The sun strikes me firmly in the face. In fact, it hits me again and again and again with every passing second. I’m acutely aware of it today as I think on my world and my circumstances, how I’ve come to be where I am and how I need to take back the control that I seemingly have given away in the name of being “settled”.
I’m frustrated. I won’t describe this as anything other than what it is at the moment. I’m estranged from my house and home. I have plans for what I want and how I want it to be and the means to make it happen – just about … come on refinance! I’m emotionally done with the stretching of my relationship that hasn’t worked for some time now, and the exploitation of the legal process that means I’m stuck in this fuckery for an indeterminate time that I have no influence over. I’m really sick of being beholden to other people’s timelines and just want to get on with the inevitable outcome.
I’m angry too. Angry that I’m having to live out of home. Angry that I am spending dollars hand over fist to support this temporary lifestyle. Angry that I have to circle around every decision to sense-check its impact on my final position. I’m angry that she gets to realise the benefits of living in my house with my things and the vision of my future waiting patiently to begin. I’m angry that I have to enact visitation rights to my own place to pop in when she’s not there. I’m angry that the video doorbell camera has given up the ghost and stopped me having any visibility over the external perimeter of my place. I’m angry that that’s the only visibility that I have. I’m angry that the Gold Coast is just that little bit far away that I have to plan a trip to go home, rather than just going home. I don’t quite need to pack lunch to do it, but I have to think “is this trip worth a day’s travel?”. I’m angry that my routines are profoundly disrupted. I’m angry that I can’t see Bryce on a Monday and a Wednesday morning to lift heavy things and shape my body. I’m angry that I haven’t been disciplined enough to recreate that practice down here and that I can feel my body slipping into a lazy mass of blubber. I’m angry that work is stalled across my entire portfolio because the “timing isn’t right”. I’m angry that I’ve got a team who are willing to work with me and who are equally stymied by corporate cadences operating contrary to our collective contributions. I’m angry that we’re in that weird Christmas lead up where it’s not time to wind down yet but too late to focus on anything of significance that isn’t already in train.
And I’m hungry. I need to eat good nourishing food today, now specifically. I need to think about what the kindest thing I can do for myself in this moment and sit with all of this … rage … while I simultaneously start the week. I need to acknowledge that I’m human and that I will have thoughts and feelings that punch my external veneer in the face without fear of retribution.
Because today, I’m just angry.
Nx